CHAPTER 12: Notes from Second Interview with Brutus the Bartender

(Detective's Notes: I did not manage to get Brutus' last name. I got very little, actually. Apparently mystery writers keep a bartender very busy. I did manage to discover several pertinent facts, however, during our second brief conversation).

1. Mr. Brutus the Bartender was working the shift when Reavis Wortham met his untimely demise at 9:55 PM in the evening.

2. Nobody else ordered Old Jack Pappy Bourbon except for Reavis Wortham, and there was only one bottle of it in the entire bar. The bourbon was contained in a clear crystal decanter (see EVIDENCE photo). The bottle itself was doctored with the Dargon nut powder, not Reavis' glass.

3. Brutus made the drink himself. He did not notice anything unusual about the bottle when he picked it up before or after making the drink, although Reavis did exclaim upon drinking it, "What kind of [expletive] is this? I did not order one of those [expletive] chocolate and pecan [expletive] things! Because I don't care what you call it, it's not---ACK!"

And then . . . death.

The crystal decanter was turned over to Crime Scene Techs for fingerprint processing -- fingerprints were found, which meant that bottle had NOT been wiped clean, probably because the killer didn't have time to slip the Dargon nut powder inside and then also wipe it down without being noticed.

However, the CST won't have results on fingerprint matches and DNA collection until tomorrow at the earliest. Like Brutus, I noticed nothing out of the ordinary about it either. It looked clean as a whistle.

4. He used a new bottle that he unwrapped himself. Therefore the bottle couldn't have been tampered with until after that time. Immediately after opening the bottle, Brutus left the bar at 9:45 PM for ten minutes to deal with a commotion out front, and then returned behind the bar (note to self: check security footage to discover what this "commotion" at 9:45 PM could have been about).

5. Brutus was my prime suspect until Junebug pointed out that he didn't have club level access and therefore couldn't have stolen Chef Blarnee's Dargon Nut Powder from her hotel room safe.

6. Brutus remembered seeing all four of the suspects in the bar, but as it was very busy, he doesn't remember who was actually in the bar during the ten-minute window of opportunity between his opening the bourbon at 9:35 PM, leaving the bottle on the bar to check out the commotion in the lobby at 9:45, returning to make Reavis' drink, then watching in helpless horror as Reavis SHUFFLES OFF HIS MORTAL COIL at 9:55! (note to self: explore writing a mystery novel myself, as I obviously have a flair for the dramatic).

But first . . . figure out what the commotion was about.

Go to CHAPTER 13!

CHAPTER 11: Initial Autopsy Results: REAVIS Z. WORTHAM

OFFICIAL Autopsy Analysis -- DO NOT TRY AT HOME!

WHAT!?!?!?!?

Who knew that Reavis Wortham was horribly allergic to Dargon nuts?

All of our suspects apparently. Every single one. Well, according to Junebug anyway, who has eyewitness testimonies that Fran Helsing AND Payton Olliver AND Helen Buttchicken AND Ray Vuss Wordum ALL possessed that knowledge.

Dang. Who'd have thought Junebug's case would get all mixed up with mine?

So which one of my four suspects slipped the powdered Dargon nuts into Reavis' bourbon, creating a fatal allergic reaction in the dearly departed?

I will not rest until I discover the guilty party! Which means another interview with Brutus the Bartender!

Go to Chapter 12!

CHAPTER 10: For Love or Money: Some (Perhaps) Considered Thoughts by Financial Crimes Consultant Seamus McCree.

So you have yourself four suspects in the murder of Reavis Z. Wortham. My suggestion is to look at each of your suspects with two lenses: Love and Money. This sure isn’t a spur of the moment crime. People don’t carry around poison, just in case. Now for love, read that as a proxy for any strong emotion. Could be spurned love, or earned hate, or having been embarrassed or fearing future embarrassment. Use your imaginations. Money really means financial gain or loss.

While Detective Ecktive was making small talk with Brutus the bartender and her partner – the French guy, what’s his name, sounded like Junebug to me – anyway Frenchie was trying to impress the women with his accent, I used my smartphone and followed the money.

Start with Payton Olliver. She made a big deal about how she was going to illustrate Reavis' next book. Never happened and considering her work – what kind of "artist" actually wears shaving cream as a form of creative expression? – I can see why. So that cost her some bucks – a monetary motive. Because even if her family's worth millions, they seem to have cut her off because of her "art." Could embarrassment be a motive? You decide.

James M. Jackson, and his very attractive wolf hat

You’d think Fran Helsing’s only motives would be on the Love side of the equation, right? Nope, I led you down a rosy path. If an author doesn’t nail something down, Fan Girl steals it. She once sat next to the guy who made me up – calls himself James M Jackson on the book jackets, but Jim in person – I digress. Anyway, Fran stole this wolf’s hat off Jim (that would be Jim on the left there wearing that hat). Posted a picture of herself with it on her Facebook page. But she never sells things until the artist is dead. Why? Because that’s when artifacts become valuable because the supply is now limited and no more can be created. And she did have several copies of Reavis' books in her possession.

And what about Helen Bvtzchknn? I again Googled both names together to see what popped up. It turns out she did some work for Reavis, and he sued her for “unprofessional work,” whatever that means. They settled out of court, sealed document, but Reavis didn’t drop the matter. Nope, he brought her before the disciplinary board of the EWW, the Editorial Workers Worldwide. Maybe she killed a gerund or something. I don’t know, but whatever it was, they threw her out of the organization. I assume her expulsion affects her ability to make a living doing editorial work. Actually, that wouldn’t technically be a monetary motive, since killing Reavis wouldn’t increase her financial prospects. But losing money could lead to revenge, right, and who but an editor would quibble over the exact definition of a financial crime?

And lastly, we have  Ray Vuss Wordem. I Googled his name and Reavis’s at the same time and up popped a ten-million lawsuit Ray Vuss filed against Reavis claiming, among other things that Reavis stole not only the idea but 74.36% of the words from an unpublished work Ray Vuss had sent Reavis asking for a blurb. So ask yourself this question: is Ray Vuss more likely to win, or at least settle, his suit with Reavis no longer able to present his side of the story, or with Reavis no longer able to churn out number one bestsellers, will that make it harder to collect big bucks from his estate?

Go to CHAPTER 11!

CHAPTER 9: Detective Jean Jeanbeaug's Dargon Nut Theft File -- Exhibits A and B

Exhibit A -- Dargon Nut Powder

You wouldn't think this powder would cost $1000 an ounce, would you? But it does! No smell, dissolves practically instantly into totally invisibility. It supposedly tastes like chocolate and pecans but in a "fancy" way, so that makes it worth someone's time to steal.

Sheesh. Forget being a bartender, I should grow Dargon nuts.

I told Junebug I doubted a thief would have had anything to do with Reavis' murder, but he gave me this European eyebrow arch, stuck his magnifying glass in front of his face, and stomped off.

Exhibit B: The Safe

Or as I call it, the Un-Safe.

Look at it. A child with both hands tied behind her back could pick that thing. I told Chef Blarnee this, and she tried to hit me with a spatula! You'd think a professional would keep valuable things like Dargon Nuts in a better safe, but I suppose chefs are good at chef matters and not security matters.

But then who expects someone to be breaking into hotel rooms and safecracking at EXACTLY 8:30 AM in the morning? But that's when it happened, according to the timing device on the "safe." Eight-thirty this very morning. And then later this same evening, Reavis is killed.

What is the world coming to?

Anyway, I can't see anything related to my homicide here. Perhaps I should get a second pair of sleuth-y eyes on it. Luckily, I know just the person. And he happens to be here at this mystery writer conference

Go to CHAPTER TEN!

CHAPTER 8: Detective Jean Jeanbeaug Insists on Assisting

Inspecteur Supérieur du Département de Paris

Jean Jeanbeaug

This is Jean Jeanbeaug. He's French. Interpol sent him to "help" me solve Reavis' murder. He's all rules and regulations and forensic processing, like he's a walking-talking TV show. Probably hears theme music everywhere he goes.

Sigh. THIS is the partner I get.

Anyway, he told me how to pronounce his name, but it sounded like Junebug to me. Too many unneeded vowels, but that's the French for you. Vowel overkill.

Anyway anyway, I'm laughing because he came all the way across the Atlantic and insists on investigating some nut theft instead of focusing on the – duh – homicide.

This is what a Chef Hissy Fit looks like

Yes, I said "nut theft." The fancy chef in charge of preparing tonight's fancy dinner brought some fancy nut powder all the way with her from Dublin, Ireland, and now it's missing from her room safe that someone picked open while she was inspecting the hotel kitchen. And now she's having a serious hissy fit about it.

Oh, the excitement.

Anyway, Junebug shared his report on the theft with me, although I can't imagine there's anything in there that will help me solve the murder of Reavis Wortham.

Still, worth looking at, I suppose

Go to CHAPTER 9!

CHAPTER 7: Interview with RAY VUSS WORDUM

(Detective's Notes: Mr. Wordum consented to an interview, although he complained that I would be taking him away from his fans. There were no fans that I could see. He had been tossed from the convention for writing his name on copies of all five of Reavis Z. Wortham's novels. Every single book on the table was a stolen copy of Wortham's work with MR. RAY VUSS WORDUM written over the original byline and his photograph pasted over Mr. Wortham's.)

R. V. WORDUM: As I always say, “Some people just need killing.”

D. T. ECTIVE: No, that’s something Reavis Z. Wortham always said. One of his characters actually. From his first book, The Rock Hole.

WORDUM (shrugs): Life is like a box of chocolates. This time, some of em’ were poisoned.

ECTIVE: Now you’re quoting Forrest Gump.

WORDUM: Look, the point is, I didn’t do it. Nobody saw me do it. There’s no way you can prove anything.

ECTIVE: Then who do you think did do it?

WORDUM: I don’t know who all was in the room. I was wearing a lampshade over my head. I couldn't see a thing!

ECTIVE: Could you not have taken off the lampshade?

WORDUM: The only thing worse than being blind, is having sight but no vision.

ECTIVE: I don’t understand. Is that not the situation you were in while wearing the lampshade? You know? Blind?

WORDUM: Elementary, my dear Watson.

ECTIVE: Excuse me?

(Suspect refuses to respond until questioned again)

ECTIVE: So, who do you think did it?

WORDUM: Blaming everyone else is great until you’ve got nobody left around to blame but yourself.

ECTIVE: Speaking of blame, can you explain this?

(Shows Wordum photograph taken that morning outside of the mystery writer conference)

ECTIVE: Well, look what we have here -- one of the mystery conference attendees snapped this shot outside the book dealer room at 8:30 AM this morning. You're hawking your book Unlit Locations: 5th in the Crimson Stream Series. Which you claim has nothing to do with Reavis Z. Wortham's Dark Places, which is 5th in the Red River series.

WORDUM: When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however impossible, must be the truth.

ECTIVE: I don't even . . . Look, your "book" is just a copy of Reavis Z. Wortham's latest with a new cover taped to it.

WORDUM: So?

ECTIVE: And your signing table is a towel draped on an ironing board. I'm pretty sure even that mustache is fake.

(Wordum crosses arms and pretends to be a lamp again).

Go to CHAPTER 8!

CHAPTER 6: Interview with PAYTON OLLIVER

OLLIVER: Me? Kill Reavis? I hate that guy’s guts. He ruined my career, my liver! He embarrassed me! His book cover was supposed to be my breakout role! He’s the reason for my drinking problem you know? God, I wanted to kill that guy… but that was the old me. My AA group is helping me get through that old anger. Nearly half a year sober! Haven’t stepped in a bar for nearly that long...

ECTIVE: But I have solid evidence that you were in the bar last night.

OLLIVER: W-Who told you that!? It was that awful ex editor of his, Helen Bvtz, Butz, how does she pronounce it, Buchanan? She’s awful! I wouldn’t be surprised if she did it! Her or that stalker of his.

ECTIVE: You mean Fran Helsing?

OLLIVER:  I didn’t have much to do with that one, but from what I’d heard she’s certainly a character. She implicated me, didn't she?

ECTIVE: Actually, it was this photograph (shows suspect the evidence -- security footage of her sitting right next to the bar, her hands covered in shaving cream)

OLLIVER (sighs): Fine, if you want to know why I was in the bar last night, I was meeting with a potential client. What was his name again? Roy? No, Ray, Rayvie, Ravum...

ECTIVE: You mean Ray Vuss Wordum?

OLLIVER (snaps fingers): Yeah!  He never showed up that night. Wait! Let me see that photo again... That's him in the corner pretending to be a lamp! I can’t believe he was right there all this time! That jerk. HE was the one who pushed the meeting! I didn’t want to go. Listen, I didn’t even know Reavis was there. Go look somewhere else for your lead. Maybe start with Ray. He had this weird obsession with everything Reavis. I didn’t want to take that job for that exact reason, but well… I was strapped for cash. Mom and Dad cut me off after I embarrassed them last Christmas with my Jello and mayonnaise sculpture of Mount Rushmore. I was hoping that the whole AA thing would convince them that I was serious enough about my career as an artist for them to fund me.

ECTIVE: Did they?

OLLIVER: Long story short, they haven't. So I took the job, despite my grievances with Reavis. Why don't you quit bothering me and check out Ray? I'm sure he's still around here, probably pretending to be a water cooler. Maybe there is a deadly reason he didn't meet with me.

Go to CHAPTER 7!