CHAPTER 7: Interview with RAY VUSS WORDUM

(Detective's Notes: Mr. Wordum consented to an interview, although he complained that I would be taking him away from his fans. There were no fans that I could see. He had been tossed from the convention for writing his name on copies of all five of Reavis Z. Wortham's novels. Every single book on the table was a stolen copy of Wortham's work with MR. RAY VUSS WORDUM written over the original byline and his photograph pasted over Mr. Wortham's.)

R. V. WORDUM: As I always say, “Some people just need killing.”

D. T. ECTIVE: No, that’s something Reavis Z. Wortham always said. One of his characters actually. From his first book, The Rock Hole.

WORDUM (shrugs): Life is like a box of chocolates. This time, some of em’ were poisoned.

ECTIVE: Now you’re quoting Forrest Gump.

WORDUM: Look, the point is, I didn’t do it. Nobody saw me do it. There’s no way you can prove anything.

ECTIVE: Then who do you think did do it?

WORDUM: I don’t know who all was in the room. I was wearing a lampshade over my head. I couldn't see a thing!

ECTIVE: Could you not have taken off the lampshade?

WORDUM: The only thing worse than being blind, is having sight but no vision.

ECTIVE: I don’t understand. Is that not the situation you were in while wearing the lampshade? You know? Blind?

WORDUM: Elementary, my dear Watson.

ECTIVE: Excuse me?

(Suspect refuses to respond until questioned again)

ECTIVE: So, who do you think did it?

WORDUM: Blaming everyone else is great until you’ve got nobody left around to blame but yourself.

ECTIVE: Speaking of blame, can you explain this?

(Shows Wordum photograph taken that morning outside of the mystery writer conference)

ECTIVE: Well, look what we have here -- one of the mystery conference attendees snapped this shot outside the book dealer room at 8:30 AM this morning. You're hawking your book Unlit Locations: 5th in the Crimson Stream Series. Which you claim has nothing to do with Reavis Z. Wortham's Dark Places, which is 5th in the Red River series.

WORDUM: When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however impossible, must be the truth.

ECTIVE: I don't even . . . Look, your "book" is just a copy of Reavis Z. Wortham's latest with a new cover taped to it.

WORDUM: So?

ECTIVE: And your signing table is a towel draped on an ironing board. I'm pretty sure even that mustache is fake.

(Wordum crosses arms and pretends to be a lamp again).

Go to CHAPTER 8!